Dear Trusting Sir or Madam… by Steve Young
It feels good to finally tell you the truth •
I hope this letter finds you well. My name is Philip Nobaro. I am one of the top practitioners of the so-called “Nigerian Prince” scam, in which greedy, gullible people are induced to transfer funds in expectation of a large undeserved payment. Over the past ten years I have made over 88 million U.S. dollars through such fraud! My records indicate that some of this money came from you. I am sorry. But that’s not why I am writing.
Recently, I encountered an unforeseen problem. My vast wealth is on deposit in the Bank of Cyprus, and due to the financial crisis in Cyprus, the money is now unavailable for withdrawal!
There is a way to get my ill-gotten gains out of the Bank of Cyprus, but I need your help, for which you will be amply compensated.
A timely, discreet $10,000 bribe to a Bank of Cyprus official will effect the transfer of the $88 million to the U.S. bank account of a third party such as yourself. Please reply immediately with your bank account number and routing information, and I will tell you where to wire $10,000 with which I may pay the bribe. Once the $88 million is safely in your bank account, I will gladly remit to you a $10 million fee!
Now, the irony of this proposal is not lost on me. But what else can I do? For you, at least, there is finally “closure.” In truth, for both of us it is “win/win.”
But you may be asking yourself, “What if this is also a scam? What if the $10,000 I send will not secure me $10 million, but instead will disappear, leaving me shamed, impoverished, and without recourse?”
Come on, what are the chances?
Although I shall tell you in confidence, that if I were to enact such a clever, multi-layered scheme, I would expect to gain at least $150 million from “dupes” like yourself, which would then be frozen in the next banking crisis, most likely in Luxembourg or Malta, according to my contacts at the Bank of Cyprus. To extract these frozen funds would require a bribe of $20,000, and would of course mean an even larger fee for you: $20 million!
Naturally, this excellent windfall will only come to pass if you act now and assist me with my current fraud.
I am sensing hesitation.
Frankly, I am impressed by your skepticism. Unlike most of my victims, you have learned from your past sorry experiences. Yes, you have correctly divined that the two foregoing scenarios I detailed were both frauds. Clearly, you have the makings of a fellow criminal mastermind!
I may therefore be so bold as to invite you into the inner circle of financial chicanery. Full disclosure: I am actually working with the Bank of Cyprus and a shadowy consortium of crime syndicates to pull off the ultimate global swindle, and we would love to have you on our team. While I cannot divulge the details of the scam in this email, I can tell you that in exchange for your buy-in amount of $50,000, your share of the proceeds will be in excess of ten billion dollars!
This time I am not lying. We are beyond all that now. It feels good to finally tell you the truth.
Your assistance in the past has been invaluable, and I pray that I can count on you again. Reply promptly so that you may soon receive ten billion dollars! Or, if you are not in a position to contribute $50,000, the $10,000 and $20,000 options are still available, though as I mentioned, they are fraudulent and will get you nothing.
With respect and affection,
Philip Nobaro
Central Bank of Nigeria
(really a Lagos internet cafe)
(see, no more lies!) ◊
(This piece was originally published in The American Bystander #1, October 2015.)
